From Scott who is director of our Shaman Course: 

"Something from one of my Tracker School list servers that expresses fairly well what I have been thinking about the last couple of days. 

I hope everyone is doing well. I also hope that your friends and families are well. My prayers and love to all. ...... Scott"

(Because of privacy concerns, we are deleting Terry's last name and his e-mail address)

Terry G <xxxxxxxxx@xxxxxxxxxxx>
wrote:
To: Philosophy-1@yahoogroups.com
From: Terry
Date: Friday, 14 Sep 2001 14:16:01 CST
Reply-to: Philosophy-1@yahoogroups.com
Subject: [Philosophy-1] angry compassion


I will be the first to admit it is sometimes difficult to have compassion for your enemies. It took me nearly 43 years to figure that one out. It took seeing my enemy legally blind from diabetes, 3/4 paralyzed by a stroke, and facing a leg amputation to do it. I don't learn
very fast, but I learn pretty good.

There was my greatest enemy, the one I had been terrified of all my life reduced to a pitiful, diseased pile of half mindless flesh. I had not seen that enemy in 27 years, but I had been haunted by it the whole time. It had held me at knife point, gun point, shot at me, ridiculed me, terrorized me, beat me frequently in the middle of the night, and left me once in a bar ditch unconscious. It repeatedly threatened to kill me and my younger siblings...and tried to do just that. Repeatedly. I took my enemy very seriously, indeed. It was a daily test of survival, wit, and invisibility at the right times.

It took me a long time to see beyond the hollow dead shell of the enemy backwards into time to the innocent child it once was. It took me even longer to see in detail and to feel the things that had been done to that child, in its youth, that were just as horrible if not more so than it had done as an adult. And it took me until Philosophy 2 to be able to see back in time to the adult who had abused that child...in its youth and how it was abused...and to the adult/child before it...and the adult/child before that.

Abuse and violence are learned traits. Most often they are learned from abusive or violent acts. Mix in religion and you have a potent seething wound that will be relearned and relearned for generations. Holy wars last hundreds of years...some of them are still going on even though they've been 'over' for several hundred years. In some ways, the Civil War in our own country isn't 'over'. There are STILL families that nurse and hand down seething wounds to the next generation who had nothing to do with it all.

At some point in my life, I dedicated it to ending the sickening evil that had threaded through my family for generations. I could do nothing about my own childhood, but I could ensure it went no further. I did not have to do what was done unto me.

A few years ago, before I ever got involved in Tracker classes, I was stalked and hunted in my own home by a stranger.  Repeatedly they came in the middle of the night, in the wee hours and tried to enter. I called the cops until they would no longer respond at all. And then I sat in the middle of my living room all night with a gun in my lap. Just like in my youth, I did not sleep out of fear. I was at the point where I wanted to camp out on my roof and shoot the man as he came through my gate with a .22. But my friends were wiser than I, and pointed out the number of years I would spend in prison for that. The police were no help until a crime was commited and the person caught in the act.   I, myself, could not solve the problem 'for sure' without going to prison...even though I was the victim. So I sat with a gun and waited for him to come in and wrestled with the concept of shooting him dead after dedicating my life to nonviolence and healing. It came down to a choice between my own life and safety and my commitment and vow to nonviolence.

For nine months, I did not sleep. I did not go anywhere after dark. I was a prisoner in my own home, beginning to sometimes hallucinate from sleep deprivation and nervous exhaustion. It was at that point that I had no other choice except to pray for that man. For his healing, that he get help, that he get what he needed before he hurt someone. Or someone had to hurt him.

And it was at that point, at the peak of his attempts to enter and his almost nightly bouts of harassment, that he started to back off. The harder I prayed, the longer he stayed away and the less aggressive his attempts.  When I finally figured out what was happening and 'made the connection' between the two, and applied my full intent in my prayers towards his healing without reserve, he never came back.

Last October, just after Healing class, I saw my first enemy for the first time in 27 years. I had spent that time healing, working, growing, learning, and doing what I thought was forgiving. But as I walked down that hospital corridor for the first time, I was twelve years old again...shielding my brothers and sisters behind me as I stared down the barrel of a gun held by a tortured, desperate and crazed soul. In all those years, my fears had not gone away. I had carried them and my anger, stared at them daily on some level I can not describe. Now, my enemy was powerless, old, and on the virge of death. Yet they still held that power over me. And I gave it to them. And when I entered that room, the demon that possessed my first enemy was alive and well and did battle with me, even though the half carcass on the bed was unable to form complete sentences. I lasted 10 minutes in that battle. And the demon won.

It took me a full 30 days of some intense work before I could return to the hospital a second time. When I did, I went into full surrender as I walked down that corridor. I asked the Creator to help me. I prayed for my enemy, for health and healing...to end the tortured existance it had lived nearly all its life. And when I walked into the hospital room, the demon was not present. I sat by my  first enemy's bed for an hour. I held their hand. I told them I loved them and meant it.

When I walked out, I was 300 pounds lighter, weight I had never known that I carried. A lifetime of fear and anger was over.  In the time it took to snap your fingers. It was not only over, but it was HEALED on levels I can't even begin to describe for both my enemy and for me. I do not know if the demon carried by my first enemy was healed, but I know the child still hiding inside the body was. It was a huge release for both of us.

The greatest pity is that it took me 27 years to learn how simple it was to do. You just choose. And you let go of the anger, the fear, the pain. And then you look your enemy in the eye and Know to the bottom of your soul that they have no power over you. None. And then you smile and send them love.

The enemy in the TWC incidents are dead. They died in the same plane crashes as their victims. They are the 'true' enemies. The single inviduals who made the choice to slaughter thousands of victims by their own hand. They are dead and you can not punish them any more than that on a physical plane. The 'enemy' has been exterminated.

If you want to stop what created that enemy, what twisted it into dark and evil ways, you will not do it with violence.  Violence begets violence. Revenge begets revenge. Every person you kill has a family, loved ones, friends, distant relatives. We do not know Debra's brother personally, but look at how it socks each one of us in the gut. Our country is ready to go to war because of such connections. And in that war, many more innocents will die. And their families will feel like our families do. Children will grow up without fathers, mothers will age without daughters or sons. And it will just be another seething wound to be passed down to the next
generation. We will do it righteously, but the results will be the same as if we went over and intentionally blew up a school full of children.

We blasted the hell out of the middle east, Bagdad, stripped their military, cut off supplies. Yet they are still the enemy.  Their children will grow into our children's enemies. It is a pattern human kind has repeated over and over for thousands of years and it hasn't worked out well yet. The machine that created the souless monsters that flew those planes is part of an entire society. To eliminate 'the enemy' entirely so that you never have to fear them intruding again, you would have to commit genocide.

How vast is your anger? Will one death swage it any? A dozen? A dozen have already died from the enemy's camp. How about 4,183...or whatever the total body count ends up being. What is the price of our anger, our pain? A band of marauders have already bombed a mosque in Dallas, Texas. Were the people at that mosque behind the plane crashes? Does anybody know or care? An
'arab looking' woman was run over in a grocery store parking lot, was she a terrorist or a terrified innocent just buying dinner for her  children? Does she deserve to be punished for someone else's actions?

Compare the eye for eye revenge approach with that of Nelson Mandela and Desmond Tutu in one of the most remarkable phenomenon that I have ever witnessed in my lifetime. Rather than seeking revenge upon the perpetrators of a lifetime of personal torture, imprisonment, and cruel abuse, Mandela sought ways to heal his nation. I sat through the broadcast healings with my mouth open, weeping. Here, was hope for mankind. Here was a man who had risen above his personal pain and horrors and who had taken a remarkable step to forgiving his enemies with compassionate grace. He didn't let them off the hook entirely. He made them sit and listen for hours to the people they had wounded, the lives they had destroyed. He gave the 'enemy' a face. And he gave the victimized a 'face' to the enemy. He made it personal, up close. And by doing so, some began to see how they were alike. He did not reach all of them, but he reached many. And the oppressed gave voice to their grief and began to heal...without further violence.

How would that have been different if he'd lined up all the white leaders and white army and shot them into a ditch as his own people had been? Would that have healed his people? Would that have healed the enemy? Which served the greater good?

This path is about healing. It is easy to heal the lovely things, the pretty things, the innocent things...the small child, the wise elder, the young wife, the crippled deer, the fledgling with a broken wing. But as healers we will see the full range. It is in front of us now. And it is UGLY. It is nasty, and foul, and it turns your stomach, and it has crushed the beautiful and the innocent.

As healers, your greatest challenge faces you now.  It is personal. It has a face. It has touched you deeply, triggered emotions...fears, angers, rage. It is a demon that has affected your loved ones and the desire to fight, to seek revenge wells up in your heart and clouds your eyes. You are Desmond Tutu, a spiritual leader in your community, and before you looms the foulest thing you have ever encountered. You have made a commitment to peace and studied the ways of healing. But now you wish to kill.

The first battle is within yourself.

The things in this world that need the most healing are not the bright and beautiful. If you desire to make significant change in the world towards a better possible future for our grandchildren, you will very seldom be sent into warm, fuzzy places to treat people you like. Those folks are already doing okay. It's the dark, scummy, drooling ones that need your help, your love, your compassion the most.

Besides, you can't kill evil.

Think about it. When you slaughter an evil person, where do they cross over to? You've only removed the physical container.  The problem is still loose in Spirit. You've just shifted planes is all.

Tutu and Mandela had the right idea. They didn't heal all the 'bad guys'. But they healed some...and their own people in the bargain...rooting out the evil of violence on multiple levels across enemy lines.

Knowing that does absolutely nothing for our own angers and wounds right now. We are hurt and we are afraid. And we are angry. Tom talks about turning anger into love in class sometimes. I am only just now beginning to grasp what he means. It is extremely difficult to do because it requires tremendous personal sacrifice. But it is that same sacrifice that empowers the love and healing ten fold. It is the sacrifice Mandela made when he set aside his personal angers for the greater good of his people. He had to stand up, with full memory of torture and endless days in prison, and forgive his enemy so the violence for his people would end and all could begin to heal. When he did that, he also healed a large piece of the world. And he made a giant step towards healing the great evil that had stalked his land for generations. His personal 'sacrifice' of anger for love changed the world.

Over and over on your path as a healer, you will face that same choice. It is the choice between what you 'want' to do, and what serves the highest good for all concerned. More times than not, you will not want to make the right choice. Your anger, your fear, your doubts, will always try to come in and blind you, mislead you, stop you. To make the right choice, you must walk through them all. It is an extremely difficult journey. Many set out upon it. Few succeed.

I am not saying don't be angry or don't be afraid.  It is your right and choice to do just that if you want. Anger and fear have their place. But only as long as they are a tool that you control and not the other way around. Get angry, grieve, be afraid. Then, get over it and take action with a clear head and heart. If you can't get over it, set it aside for now. Get back to it when you can, when the crisis is over, when you have the opportunity to turn into a sobbing mess. That could be tonight, or next week. Our nation will be grieving for years.  How can we help that? How can we grieve ourselves and still do the work we are trained to do? We must heal our wounds, yes. But sometimes the best way to heal your wounds is to help others heal theirs. Again, it is within that personal sacrifice that our love is empowered.

And I'm not saying stuff your emotions or deny they exist. There is a difference between stuffing and 'setting aside'.  With one you ignore it, with the other you simply side-line for a brief period of time while you do your work. Then, you come back to processing it and finding out why it has you in its grip...and healing those roots in yourself.

When you're processing, you can scream, cry, throw a fit, punch pillows, rant, preach, or whatever. But when it comes time to do your work, you give that up for a while. You clear and center yourself. And surrender. When the work is done, you can go back to crying and screaming. Actually, that's the way I sometimes do my meditations. I know that sounds crazy, but times like these are a good example of why. I run the emotions out, exhaust them through expression, and in the calm that follows, I go deep, deep into my prayers. Creator, help me to help others...help me to get over my shit long enough to do what I am here to do with a clear heart and to make the right choice.

Somedays, you will be Desmon or Nelson. Somedays, you'll be fully human in not so great and wonderful ways. Just learn from each and keep striving to make the right choice for the good of all. In that, we will always be students.

For now, if you can not pray for the enemy, pray that we as american citizens do not become the enemy by harming innocents in places of prayer or in the course of their daily lives as american citizens. If you can not pray for that, find something else that you can send all your love and healing towards. Each person has their own medicine and the place where it is most effective. Do what you can while you search for ways to heal your anger or your fear, for as long as you are angry and afraid, the enemy has power over you. Because you give it to him. Find how you can take that power back, that energy, transform it into love...and you can change the world.

I am sorry. I don't mean to preach. I can't really tell you how to love and heal your enemies because I am not you. I can only give you a few examples of what I know has worked, a few illustrations of my own paultry battles with the same. I only know that when you do it right, it is exceedingly painful for you at the transformation point...but when you release the healing, you KNOW. And it is one of the most beautiful experiences you will ever have. It is almost like the Creator comes and touches you for that moment...and gives your work an extra boost, a blessing.

There are no words to describe it. A 'state of grace', comes close.

Hope this helps someone.

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